Being a mom to a 3 1/2 year-old

Being a mom is such an interesting job.  It’s the hardest “job” that I have ever had.  I think the most challenging part of being a mom is that I am making decisions that could impact my kids’ lives FOREVER.  I know it sounds dramatic, but each little decision feels so big as it can impact their circle of friends, learning experiences and also can cause heartache, damage confidence, etc.  At this point I have felt that decisions about activities, school, etc. haven’t had a big impact on Andy.  I don’t know if it’s because we just got back from some vacation time or life has slowed down to the point that I can breathe (for a moment), but there has been a shift.  I can see more clearly that Kyle’s and my presence or lack of presence directly impacts his behavior.  I know this always has been the case and we have tried to be as present as we possibly can be in their lives, but now that Andy can communicate better, I feel like my role as a mom has shifted.  I am more aware of his emotions and my level of worry is heightened.  Am I giving him all of the tools to be the best kid he can be?  Am I exposing him to nurturing and interesting opportunities?  This is a shift from where Katie is at right now, who is more dependent on me to make decisions for her.  I ask more questions like, is she going to be warm enough in the clothes she is wearing?  Did I pack enough snacks for our outing today?  Should I get her hair cut now or let her mullet grown longer?  Maybe the questions are different because I have been through it once with Andy.  I have been reading a lot of blogs trying to figure out how to keep Andy stimulated all afternoon now that he isn’t napping and we need to be home for Katie’s naps.  I feel like I am spinning.   But, I have read some inspiring and funny blogs that I am trying to hold on to and keep me grounded.  Here are two posts that hit home for different reasons.

Don't Carpe Diem

Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh- Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” - those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”

At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”

That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”

I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.

Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me. I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here’s what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.

Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

Good enough for me.

How I organized My Entire Life

I've been trying to figure out how to write this without sounding ridiculous. What I want to say is this: I finally did it you guys, I completely and totally organized my life! It took a lot of hard work and a lot of late nights but I now have a plan, routine, or system for everything.

• I've compiled and categorized enough healthy, inexpensive and easy recipes that I have a 90 day dinner menu (complete with theme nights like pasta Monday and slow-coooker Thursday) and I have the grocery lists to match.
• There is nothing in my house that we don't use. I've ferociously weeded out the clutter and sent it packing via Craig's List or Goodwill.
• Everything I didn't get rid of is now beautifully organized into colorfully labeled containers. If you're ever visiting and you need something, just ask me - I totally know where it all is.
• I now have a weekly schedule with time carved out for blogging, housework, play dates, park time, library time, and other activities we've been wanting to try but never got around to.
• For those days we stay home, we've got a dependable routine that the kids can rely on. It includes stuff like art time, outside time, story time and bath time.
• Remember when I told you C isn't really down with napping anymore and I was worried about ever getting anything done again? I completely solved that problem by putting together some genius quiet time kits (one for each day of the week so he doesn't get bored). They're crammed with busy bags, audio books, and learning activities he can do independently.
• I finally got our budget down to a science using a combination of the cash envelope system and mint.com. We're saving tons! (and while I was at it I updated our wills, life insurance, and retirement planning).
• Thanks to evernote and some other handy apps, I will never again miss an appointment or birthday. (If something does somehow sneak by me, I have a birthday closet with pre-bought gifts and cards - thanks to the new budget and organization I now have the space and money for it.)
• I also joined a gym and started exercising regularly (part of the new weekly schedule). The kids love playing at the drop off center while I'm burning calories.
• I went through all 2,000 of my digital photos, edited them, imported them to yearly photobooks and backed them all up online. I've also caught up on my personal blog and am regularly contributing to it.
• Last but not least, the hubs and I have a set-in-stone date night that we never miss and we've recently instituted family game night.

Seriously, it's been a long time coming but today I stood in the middle of my living room, looked around the house and admired what I've accomplished with a huge goofy grin on my face.

And then I woke up. DAMN. IT.

Sounds good though, doesn't it? I should probably get on that.